


finally feel at home.

by honeydukes (sjnsdipity)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst and Fluff, Boys in Skirts, Coming Out, Everyone loves Yang Jeongin, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Nonbinary Character, Platonic Relationships, Yang Jeongin | I.N-centric, it's 2018 people can wear what they wanna wear, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sjnsdipity/pseuds/honeydukes
Summary: "oh." woojin looks up at jeongin, and chan looks at jeongin from the other side of the couch, and it feels like a lightbulb goes off over jeongin's head. "there have... there have been some points in my life where i didn't exactly feel like a boy."now playing:cavetown - 10 feet tall





	finally feel at home.

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger warnings!!!!!** gender dysphoria, that's pretty much it! be careful while reading!  
> the title is taken from 10 feet tall by cavetown, because that song (to me) is kinda about growth and finding yourself which. you could say this is about that too! side note!! jisung wears a skirt at one point because People Can Wear What They Want To Wear!!!!!! 
> 
> also just a thing they're all in high school (but it's like. a high school where they live away from home n stuff?? kinda like a boarding school i guess?? but it's the same education levels as america) i imagined something like jeongin is a freshman, 2000 line are all in sophomore year, changbin and minho are juniors, and chan and woojin are seniors.

sometimes jeongin feels wrong. it feels like everything is wrong, like his skin is wrong and his body is wrong and  _everything is wrong._ he doesn't know how to fix it because he doesn't know what's causing it, so he sits through it. but  _god,_ it hurts, feeling like the one thing he should be certain about is wrong. it feels like his skin doesn't fit right, and his mind  _definitely_ isn't right.

he's not the right person, it feels like.

* * *

it's one of those days again. jeongin's been curled up in his bed, knees pulled up to his chest and staring at the wall for what seems like an eternity. all of the lights are off, the curtains pulled closed, and jeongin is happy that he can't see himself. he's thankful it's a saturday and that he has no classes. his phone's been ringing, vibrating, but he can't even bring himself to answer it.

his chest hurts, his face is burning and his eyes are burning too— he doesn't really know how long he's been crying. he doesn't even know when he'd woken up. it feels like everything in his body is a tangled mess, and he wants out of it. he wants out.

"jeongin?" 

jeongin blinks, turning his head to face the door. chan's standing in front of his door, the spare key jeongin made him hanging loosely from his fingers. he's frowning, his eyes shining with concern, and jeongin can't help the way he starts to cry harder, curling in on himself. "jeonginnie, why are you crying?" chan was by jeongin's side in the next second, holding the younger in his arms and carding his fingers through his hair. "what's wrong?"

"i don't know!" jeongin snapped through sobs, burying his face in chan's chest and listening to his heartbeat. "my body feels wrong. it feels like no one's... no one is  _seeing_ me but i don't know what that means!" chan only let him cry, humming lullabies over the sound of jeongin's crying, scratching softly at his scalp to calm him down. jeongin hates these types of days. 

chan holds him, his back against the headboard and jeongin against his chest, until jeongin stops crying. "jeonginnie, how long have you been feeling like this?" his voice is all soft, like he's talking to a wounded animal, and for once, jeongin is glad to be the youngest of their little friend group. "why didn't you tell me?"

jeongin only shrugs, his shoulder digging into chan's stomach a little. "i've had these types of days since i was a kid, but i never knew how to fix it so i just... let it happen." he feels when chan tenses, his arms getting tighter around jeongin.

"jeongin, you don't have to suffer through this alone, y'know? i'm here for you. we all are." jeongin doesn't answer him, only hugs tighter around his waist. chan goes back to humming, a lullaby that jeongin's mother used to sing to him when he was a kid and had a hard day. jeongin falls asleep against his chest.

* * *

the next day, jeongin found himself at woojin and chan's shared place. he's sprawled out along the couch, his head against the armrest and his feet hanging off the back of it. his spine is twisted a little weirdly, but it doesn't hurt and he doesn't feel like moving. chan's sitting on the other side of the couch, scrolling through his phone in rapt silence. woojin was siting at the ground by chan's feet, a cup of warm tea in his hand as he scanned his eyes through the book he was holding in his hands.

"hey, jeonginnie," chan says after the three of them sit in silence for a while. jeongin's been counting the cracks on the ceiling, and when that got boring, counting how many times woojin turned the page in a single minute. jeongin grunted, picking his head up to look at chan. "remember what happened yesterday? that was a dumb question, shit, sorry, that's not what i meant to ask-"

jeongin smiled a little. "it's alright." woojin didn't ask, so jeongin only assumed that chan had already told him.

"d'you... do you think it was dysphoria?" 

woojin's hands clench around his book, his lips distorting into a frown out of concern, and jeongin blinked. "dysphoria." he's heard of it, of course he has- he has friends who experience it on the daily, but he never thought that it was  _something_ he would experience. "but i... why... i've never really..." he can't even think of the words he's trying to say, he can't get the sentences out, but what he's thinking is  _i've never had a reason to feel dysphoria before. i've never felt like anything besides a boy._ except maybe he has.

when he was 13, he'd gone to his aunt's wedding. he'd been in a suit, just a regular suit with a bowtie, and his father had glanced at him with a grin.  _"you're so handsome_ ," he'd said. " _you're such a good son."_ jeongin had felt his stomach clench, felt his heart start racing and his palms get sweaty. he'd wanted to snap, wanted to shake his head and scream at his father.  _'i'm not your son.'_ he wanted to say, but then his mother ushered him and his brother into the car, and that was the end of that.

jeongin had never liked being called handsome. he'd never liked when his father clapped him on the shoulder and said son. sometimes he just didn't feel like a  _boy_ , but he never told anyone about it. never mentioned it to his parents, he just suppressed it and pushed it down and— 

"oh." woojin looks up at jeongin, and chan looks at jeongin from the other side of the couch, and it feels like a lightbulb goes off over jeongin's head. "there have... there have been some points in my life where i didn't exactly feel like a boy."

woojin smiles up at jeongin softly, and closes his book. "do you wanna talk to me about it? you don't have to, but if you want to, you can!" chan has gone back to scrolling through his phone with a newfound sense of determination.

jeongin squints a little in concentration.. "i think it's a fact of... not feeling like a boy, but not feeling like a girl either. and it's like not really caring about gender in the first place, does that make sense?" woojin nods, his lips curled up at the corners. "i don't think i really like being called  _he_."

"how about they?" chan suddenly pipes up, and jeongin's eyes curl into little crescents.

* * *

it's the next friday when jeongin finally tells everyone. all nine of them are crowded in woojin and chan's little apartment, jeongin tucked against woojin's side. jisung's got a skirt on today, a pretty blue one that pops against his skin prettily— felix had accidentally sat on it in the beginning. minho's yawning, barely awake with bloodshot eyes, and changbin is nearly asleep against his shoulder. the two of them had stayed up late studying for a test. hyunjin and seungmin are sat at jeongin and woojin's feet, blinking up at jeongin with shiny eyes. 

"i just... i had something i wanted to tell you," jeongin says, clearing their throat. "so i'm not exactly... a boy." 

there's a brief pause for a second, before changbin picks his head up from minho's shoulder and looks jeongin directly in their eyes. "what pronouns do you wanna use? is there another name you want us to call you?" jeongin smiles widely, braces on display, and shakes their head.

"no. i still prefer jeongin, but they and them is fine."

hyunjin's the first to move, grasping onto one of jeongin's hands, and seungmin clutching onto their other one. "we love you, y'know," hyunjin tells them. 

"we love you," felix repeated. "and nothing is gonna change that."

"you didn't have to be worried about telling us," minho finally popped in, all nonchalant like he always was when something emotional was happening.

seungmin nods, squeezing jeongin's fingers. "we'd accept you no matter what."

"i mean, you guys accepted me when i showed up wearing a skirt, why wouldn't we accept you for you being you?" jisung tilted his head at jeongin, and they couldn't help but feel like the luckiest person alive. how'd they end up with such good people standing by them?

they looked up at chan, leaning against the wall with a proud grin on his face, and felt tears welling up at the back of their eyes. "i love you all," is all they can think to say. "and i'm  _so_ lucky to have you guys."

**Author's Note:**

>  _ ~~this is definitely me self projecting but anyways~~_ ~~~~this is something that took me a lot to write, but i've had it in the back of my mind for the longest time and yeah all i can really say is i hope you enjoyed it! thank you alex i love u sosososo much THANK YOU this one is kinda dedicated to u a little bit.


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